INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION

When I get money there are gonna be a lot of new businesses starting up in town to cater to my needs.

For instance there’ll be a service where I can press the # button on my cell and within 20 seconds there’ll be a clown standing in front of me ready to get punched in the face. This will be useful for things like when I’m in the grocery store looking to buy some milk and I say to myself “Expires in 8 fuckin’ days! Are you fuckin’ shitting me?! Why the fuck can’t they get some milk in that will last more than a fuckin week?!” Then I press # and within the next 30 seconds I will have punched a clown in the face and all will be right in the world again.

This may not sound like it’s that big of a businesses but when you look at the logistics of having a clown hidden somewhere within 20 seconds of me at any given moment, day or night, no matter where I am, you can see how things get a little complex. Not to mention the clown dispatchers, cell phone programmers, and clown hiding specialists.

Oh and that’s just one part of it. If something really annoys me I can press *#*# on my phone. The first *# will send a pink convertible jam packed full of clowns. The second *# will dispatch a van full of vicious dogs, maybe even some wolves, trained to attack clowns. What’s nice about this is it’s something the entire community can enjoy: seeing a pink convertible full of clowns being attacked by dogs and wolves rolling down the street. It’ s patriotic.

LIL DAVE GET MONEY

Supreme Summary of Star Trek: The Motion Picture (the 1979 one)

Since there’s a new Star Trek coming out I thought the Supreme Publication better do a summary of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, the first Star Trek Movie, the movie that comes after this new one in the series.

So there’s this clown cloud that’s coming at the planet and electrifies some other asshole spaceship so they know it means bizness. The folks say “Hey Kirk get on yer space boat, and fuck this thing the fuck up”. So then we look at the USS Enterprise NCC-1701 for a while sitting in it’s space dock. And then we look at it some more…and some more.

The transportor malfunctions and seriously fucks some people up. I think one of them may have been some idiot Volcon science officer who was trying to get Spock’s job.

Oh then there’s this bald chick who might be hot even though she looks like Mrs.Clean.

Spock finally shows up lookin like he just came from the Wild West of space.

Now everyone’s finally got their shit together and they’re off except they warp right into a god damn trippy ass worm hole! I’m pretty sure this part is for the audience members who are on drugs cause there are light trails coming off everything and when Chekov says “phhoooootttttooooonnnn tooooorrrrrpeeeeeeddoooooeeees aawaayyyyyy” it’s down right terrifying. Then they blow up the big rock of shit in the center of the worm hole and everything’s cool again.

They warp to the cloud. The cloud turns out to be some huge thing. They go in to it. More slow paced trippy shit goes on.

A lighting bolt thing comes onto the bridge and electrifies the bald chick, but she comes back then with a glowing thing in here neck and a weird voice cause she’s now machine-clone-probe-lady representing Vger who is the big thing.

Kirk, the bald clone-probe chick, and some people go out of the ship. They meet Vger. Hey look at that, Vger is actually a Voyager satellite who went through a blackhole ended up somewhere on the far side of the universe, got hooked up by some machine planet, become self conscious, decided to find it’s maker. (Too bad in all it’s intergalactic travels it couldn’t find a wet nap to clean off it’s name plate and figure out its own name.)

Anyway, so then the bald chick and the dad from “7th heaven” make out and disintegrate and so does Vger. Score.

The End.

Now you know the future.

Successful Website Marketing for
Ultimate Success Time

How to Get Big Time Traffic on Your Website

Everybody is always talking about how internet based social networking, message boarding, blogging and micro blogging can be used to generate web traffic, but if you want to achieve ultimate website success like me you are going to have to get your site noticed not just in the digital world but in the real world.

Here’s an idea: cats.

Yeah, cats.  Adopt like 100 or so cats and put custom made cat sandwich board signs on them with your website’s uniform resource locator on it.  (That’s URL for you dunces out there.  Wise up.)  Then drop them off in a well populated place and let them walk back home.

Just think of it, people looking at your cats walking by and thinking “I wonder where that cat is going?  Hey, what’s that uniform resource locator on it?  I should go check it out on the world wide web via the Hypertext Transfer Protocol ” (HTTP you fucking clown!)

Here’s what you’ll need to get started:

• 100 Cats (Adoption fees are usually about $50 per cat)
• 100 custom made carbon fiber feline sandwich boards
• 200 cans of  yellow tail tuna a day for the next 15 to 20 years (about 1,100,000 cans).  And don’t cheap out, buy the good stuff. The cats will know.
• 10 acres of land within a mile or two from a major city
• A “cat house” made from environmentally friendly natural materials
• 1 in house full time veterinarian
• 3 in house full time groomers
• 5 in house full time feline masseuses
• 7 full time house keepers
  • medical and dental benefits for all employees + retirement pension plans

It’s that simple.  See you at the successful people’s parties!